I'm drowning, and my legs are slowly getting tired from trying to rise to the surface. I try to scream for help but whenever i do, water gushes into my mouth and i sink more into the murky water...
In all the years of my existence, i never thought of myself as a strong being. I easily give up on things. I don't take criticisms lightly. I sulk in one corner whenever i hear people dislike me, or disapprove of the things that i do. But my life? It ain't bad. I have a fair share of bad times but most are good times. I'm not rich but my family loves me.. And spoiled me. I did not try hard to get good grades but i did well enough in school for my dad to be proud of me. I didn't get rebellious during my teenage years because for some reason, i value my morals more than anything, even at a young age. I was never bullied in school despite me being a nerd. Or being fat. I was never rejected by anybody, yet my greatest fear until today is that one thing I've never felt or faced head on before. REJECTION.
I'm a very shy person. I don't go out my way to greet somebody unless they greet me first. I'm a snob, perhaps, but if you look at it from my point of view, it's just my way of avoiding rejection. I honestly don't know what's with me, but my self esteem is very low. Most of the time, i do things not because i know I'm good at it, but because other people believe in me, and i probably would make them happy if i do that something for them (e.g. singing). In fact, I AM MY OWN SABOTEUR. I am very effective in discouraging myself in everything. I can scare myself like no other person can.. And it sucks.
They say one of the hardest battles one can have is a battle against himself. Another is a battle against his past. Ah hell. How about both at the same time?
I try hard everyday to avoid doing things that can make others despise me, hate me, say something against me. But today, i realized that no matter how hard i try, i can't do it. Because nobody could. Not even superman or any other person in the world, fictional or not. We are bound to do mistakes, or hurt somebody even if we don't intend to. It may be us, it may be that the person misinterpreted what we said, or it may be both.
I know. I cannot force others to like me. I can't be friends with everyone. I cant stop people from doing what they want to do, thinking how they want to think, or feeling what they want to feel. No matter how much i talk to explain things, no matter how much i try, it doesn't really matter.
Words are words. It's a language spoken by the mouth, not by the heart.
