Random.

I'm drowning, and my legs are slowly getting tired from trying to rise to the surface. I try to scream for help but whenever i do, water gushes into my mouth and i sink more into the murky water...

In all the years of my existence, i never thought of myself as a strong being. I easily give up on things. I don't take criticisms lightly. I sulk in one corner whenever i hear people dislike me, or disapprove of the things that i do. But my life? It ain't bad. I have a fair share of bad times but most are good times. I'm not rich but my family loves me.. And spoiled me. I did not try hard to get good grades but i did well enough in school for my dad to be proud of me. I didn't get rebellious during my teenage years because for some reason, i value my morals more than anything, even at a young age. I was never bullied in school despite me being a nerd. Or being fat. I was never rejected by anybody, yet my greatest fear until today is that one thing I've never felt or faced head on before. REJECTION.

I'm a very shy person. I don't go out my way to greet somebody unless they greet me first. I'm a snob, perhaps, but if you look at it from my point of view, it's just my way of avoiding rejection. I honestly don't know what's with me, but my self esteem is very low. Most of the time, i do things not because i know I'm good at it, but because other people believe in me, and i probably would make them happy if i do that something for them (e.g. singing). In fact, I AM MY OWN SABOTEUR. I am very effective in discouraging myself in everything. I can scare myself like no other person can.. And it sucks.

They say one of the hardest battles one can have is a battle against himself. Another is a battle against his past. Ah hell. How about both at the same time?

I try hard everyday to avoid doing things that can make others despise me, hate me, say something against me. But today, i realized that no matter how hard i try, i can't do it. Because nobody could. Not even superman or any other person in the world, fictional or not. We are bound to do mistakes, or hurt somebody even if we don't intend to. It may be us, it may be that the person misinterpreted what we said, or it may be both.

I know. I cannot force others to like me. I can't be friends with everyone. I cant stop people from doing what they want to do, thinking how they want to think, or feeling what they want to feel. No matter how much i talk to explain things, no matter how much i try, it doesn't really matter.

Words are words. It's a language spoken by the mouth, not by the heart.

I love PHOTOGRAPHY... but not as much as before.

It's 5 in the morning right now, and damn, I still cannot sleep. Who knew 3 consecutive night shifts will ruin my already faulty body clock. Insomnia used to be my friend, though lately we've been having this love-hate relationship. But with my line of work, it's quite an advantage sometimes. =p

Okay, back to the topic. PHOTOGRAPHY.

A few years back, maybe 4 or 5 years ago, I really wanted to pursue this dream of becoming a photographer. I owned my first camera at the age of 3, wayyyy back when films are essential in taking pictures. I was very fascinated in capturing memories on film. Most especially preserving emotions thru photographs. I even considered taking a photography course in college before I ended up taking Nursing (which my family chose for me). I learned to love nursing, but somehow, the love for photography never went away.

I started to work in 2007, and since the pay in the Philippines is quite low, I didn't get the chance to get my own DSLR camera right away. Then in happened. Everybody suddenly had DSLRs in hand. People who were not interested in the art of taking pictures before started to take pictures. Everybody became a "pro". 

At first it was exciting, knowing that my dream is now within reach. But as time passed, all the hype made me lose my interest. I didn't push thru with getting that camera. I felt like I was robbed of my dreams. And until now I don't know why.

Sure I still take pictures. Sure I will still get a DSLR camera. Sure I'm still interested in becoming a photographer. But now? It's just not a priority.

Do dreams change? I don't know. Maybe they do when people do.

Missing home.

Barely a week after I came here to Singapore, I can't help but miss home. Literally speaking, I was treated like a princess my entire life, and now, I have to do everything... BY MYSELF. And be by myself most of the time.

I've been here twice, both for more than a week or so, and I'm not really having a hard time adjusting to their way of living. I can commute alone, go to the grocery, or even play at Time Zone to pass time. But it's just different, especially when you know you can't go back home anytime you want. When you see things you wanna buy for special people in your life, either friends or family, and know that even if you do buy them, you have no means of giving it to them right away.

Independent living takes a little time to get used to, I know. But it's just so much harder when you're alone in a foreign land.

>_<

Online shopping sucks!... when you're ordering from the Philippines.

Last March, I ordered a few stuff from the internet because I was aching to try out these Japanese cosmetics and the like that are very popular in Asia (that you unfortunately can't get in any store in the Philippines). I was excited because the website I ordered from wouldn't charge me anything for the shipping, which usually costs at least a thousand bucks.

A few days after I placed my order, of course, I was expecting the package anytime soon. But when it came, it was not a box, but a freaking NOTICE CARD that states that I have to pick it up in Pasay, which is sooooooooo far from where I'm living. But because I really wanted to get my hand on those goodies, I did some research on how to get there... and found out along the way that I have to pay about 22% of the total amount of the products for taxes. WTF.

And so after a month, I finally went to the Philpost Office to claim the items. I came there thinking I won't pay more than a thousand bucks because the items are worth about P3,500 in total, meaning 22% = P770. But to my disbelief, i was charged P1,400!

Syempre, wala na kong magagawa. I was already there. I have no choice but to pay. So I payed and went home.

Fuck you customs.

I know we have laws and all, but it's just too much. I read somewhere na lately lang nila pinatupad yung mga tax tax na yan, or kung meron dati, hindi ganun kalaki. I remember the last time I bought something from the internet, it was delivered directly to our house. But that was a long time ago.

Maybe I wouldn't be too pissed off if they just delivered it to our house, even if I have to pay the delivery guy for the taxes. Hindi yung pupuntahan ko pa sa sobrang layong lugar, na sobrang init at wala pang aircon. Sobrang abala.

Writing this post riled me up. I know.

Fuck you still, Bureau of Customs. Ain't taking that back.

=p

Relationships.

While browsing my Facebook account's news feed, I came across this song that really made me sad. It has something to do with long distance relationships, and though I'm currently not in one, just listening to the song made me feel like I'm actually far away from somebody I love.

Well, this comes from a woman's point of view, but guys, what's wrong with you? Is it that hard to make a woman feel loved? And I'm not just talking about long distance relationships here, mind you. You just make us feel special at the early part of the relationship. But after a while, what? You treat us like doormats. You don't answer our calls or reply to our texts. We go online to chat with you but you don't, even if you know that we're waiting. You always leave us hanging. Then you tell us to stop nagging, na nasasakal kayo, etc etc. and then BAM! It's over. For completely fucked up reasons.

Can't you understand? We just want to be a part of your day. We want you to think of us, even for just a while. We want you to know that amidst our busy schedules, we are thinking about you. We want to spend time with you, even just in thought.

When you think about it, women can really be a pain in the ass. I admit, we sometimes are. But do you know why women nag? Because of the unanswered calls and texts. The emails with no response. The cold/silent  treatment. So whose fault is it then? Is it us? Or you? I'd say both. So stop telling us crap or making lame excuses just to end a fucking relationship. Just STOP LYING.

I highly believe that a relationship isn't just about love, but more about choices. Love will not always be there, because honestly, it fades away. But if you choose to fall in love over and over again with that one person, then, congratulations! You're in a RELATIONSHIP.

A relationship should always be an effort from both parties. Even if a woman or a man is head over heels for you right now, and will follow everything you say, it wouldn't always be like that. Nakakapagod din ang maghintay. Nakakapagod umasa. Nakakapagod maging sunud-sunuran. So please, guys/girls, take care of your loved one. Don't make her/him feel like she/he's not part of your priorities. Learn to reply to her/his messages every once in a while, don't keep her/him waiting. If there's a problem, talk it out. Don't let small things ruin your relationship. Learn to give, not just take. Be honest. And most importantly, just love her/him.

[To everyone who's wondering, this post isn't about me. I'm fairly happy with the relationship I am in right now. I just felt like some people should be reminded of these things. Who knows, someone might read this that'll make him/her decide to make the relationship work right? I hope. I hate sad endings. *sigh*]

New venue - Berting's Grill!

Conversation over good food and ice cold beer... Something we need every once in a while. I just want to share a place I want to try out for this specific reason. Berting's Grill.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend ate with his friends at Berting's Grill in Timog Ave, Quezon City, and boy, even with just his description of what they ate and this video, I can't help but salivate. Below zero beer with good food and nice ambiance, I just know it'll be perfect.

The last time I checked, the ER peeps are already having a hard time choosing a new venue for drinking and binge eating even with the help of Master Ailsa San Pedro because it just happens too often. So this is a shout out to all ER peeps out there! Let's try it out!

Losers don't fight back!

Recently, I read a blog post by a famous Singaporean blogger about a guy who kept insulting her on twitter. Apparently, this guy made up a hot Asian Japanese girlfriend, who in reality was a Korean celebrity of some sort. It was the best blog post I've read ever because it showcased girlpower, and I honestly think people like this loser guy needs to be taught a lesson. (And frankly speaking, I find him really stupid by using a Korean celebrity. Duh.)

Anyway, a few days after the post was made, the "cyber bullying" issue came up. At first I didn't really care because I'm not the one who created the post, and people are entitled to their own opinions right? But lately, as it appears more and more in my facebook wall, twitter, or whatever, I can't help but be irritated. Some criticized the writer, saying she's mean and that she shouldn't have done that. Some even called her a bitch, and said things like "what if the jerk does something to himself", etc. etc. If they post these things as their facebook statuses or twitter twits, I probably wouldn't care, but commenting directly on the links or the post itself? Stupid. They're just showing the world how much of a loser they are by saying those things.

If we let other people step on us, insult us, or degrade us, we are just giving them more and more reason to keep doing it. It's better to lose in a fight than not fight at all. Nobody will stand up for us better than our own selves. Remember, bullies exist because there are people who allow themselves to be bullied. So bullying is not really the issue here. There are just too many losers in the world who think they're better than other people because they don't fight back.

Read and internalize.

“You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.”

- Winston Churchill

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Read the blog post I was talking about [here].